doing what i want.. but crumbling soon. teaching tuition, teaching aikiforest, working at bethel doing hols, school, piano, drums, aikido. wow. no time for myself, no time for bf. sigh.
10:59 PM
after i end work.. im going to
1) get tanner
2) train up my lower body
3) practice scales
if only i could go back to last year. sigh
imissajbball. i miss arthur. i miss the feeling of balling with my 5 other girls. i miss shouting at them. i miss scolding them. i miss their cries. i miss their attitude problems. i miss our weekly dinner. i miss the sweat. i miss the complaints. i miss mugging together. i miss meeting every morning. i miss breakfast together. i miss birthday celebrations. i miss arguing with them. i miss going into pe dept like it's my room. i miss lying on the court. i miss our sushi outings. i miss our team shoe. i miss the photo takings. i miss people getting injured. i miss accompanying the girls to see the doctor. i miss taping one another's injury. i miss all our laughter. i miss all our smiles. i miss all the cant do but must do attitude. i miss bandaging my ankle just to play with you girls. i miss drawing bananas. i miss doing the shoelace. i miss ALL THE SHIT WE DID. sighhh. imissajbball.imissajbball.imissajbball.imissajbball.imissajbball.
this week hasnt been good. monday, felt like shit for aikido. was contemplating on quitting. but okay. i cant be like that all the time. it's the same feeling as for basketball last year. incompetence. sigh. today, i feel like a piece of useless shit. all the basketball memories came back. both good and bad. i havent totally accepted the fact how our team performed during a div. i know its done and i should forget about it. but it hurts me like shit still. it was just like yesterday. =/. and all the uni shit comes in. sigh. oh LOrd, have mercy on me =(. for only You, can take the pain away.. and people around me, those whom i am close to and those whom are not, feels sad. and, when they do.. i do too. sighhhh.
7:33 PMits a love-hate thing now. sigh. perhaps my self expectation on this area is too high. i feel incompetent.
11:00 PM
one word to describe my life now: excellent =D
if only life would be like that everyday.. oh well.
loving aikido more and more to the point i think im obessesed. i'd think of it day and night, look forward to training and go crazy. at least i know im improving.. compared to piano, spending so much time but seeing no point in it. oh well..
the way i look at marriage now is very different from how i used to.. at times, i really hope that divorce would help the problem. cause marriage is making things unbearable for people around the couple.. then again, at times i see blissfulness in them. i really dont know which to encourage. it hurts me alot alot alot, but i dont know what to do. people say.. endure, be understanding, persevere. but any one knows how bad the situation is..? any one knows how painful and nay impossible to do it? things get tougher, tougher.. through the past 4 years. my hope is decreasing day by day.. and the situation is getting beyond what i have ever imagine till the fact that i have accepted and embraced ( in fact) divorce as a solution. it may be a form of escape. but if things get better, i'll accept it..
at least aikido and drums diverts my attention away.. thats why maybe i love it so much.
wish list.
1) pass driving on 3 may
2) get a drum set
3) improve piano, drums, aikido
im still sore about it.. totally sore, sore, sore. sigggggggggggggggggggh.
i was the only one amongst my friends without any parents supporting me. oh well.
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For God so love the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have enternal life. John 3:16
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stop being a jack ass
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excel in art and sports
find something i really love doing.
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