and i want a japan exchange programme all over again, with exactly the same people. let me go back to sec 3 please.
9:59 PM
i'm sick and tired of things..
obviously of studying. but, there's more than that..
i'm sick of having to put up with what people say, their words and the way they think they're big. perhaps is just this inferior complex i have cause i know my grades can never match up to theirs. but, i really cant stand some of their insensitivity. i'm already humbling myself down, asking things cause i do acknowledge you're better than me. but please don't insult. you may not notice it, but i do. but it's alright i guess, after all, it boils down to - myself.
i some how feel quite lost now. besides having so many friends attached, i'm kind of glad school's ending. cause i don't need to feel any worst. i dont need to withstand any more weird stares by people who disapproves of things i do. it's good to have friends around, so smart, so nice, so helpful. but it just makes me feel incompetent.. although they make me smile, teach me, help me and try to accomodate me, i still dont feel comfortable. not because of the sex, but because of me being too lousy to match up to them. boils down to - myself.
i feel i'm an unfilial child. its either im out studying, out in school, out with friends, home studying, home using the com, watching tv or you guys out, busy doing housework, busy doing things for me. i know you do feel lonely and unloved by us, but i really dont know what else to do. i cant bring you out with me to study, or accompany you while studying, or cook with you, wash clothes with you or whatever right? now that i am ( we are) grown up, we tend to spend time with friends more than stay home. considering that your children have many different group of friends, the more we'd be out. and i believe both bro and i already choose which and when to go. i'll try my best to make up for these two years in the next 8 months alright? meanwhile, please wait for me. for all these sour relationships, it still boils down to - myself.
i dont like the secrecy of this whole thing. i feel like im not good enough for people to know that we know each other. everything we do is behind everyone's back. it's an awkward situation as though we dont even know each other in real life. or a so called text-buddy. are we even friends? or only friends when we need to complain about something which we cant tell any one but each other? i really don't know what position am i now deep inside you. ah well, if only i took a step forward some 3 years back, perhaps things wont be like this. who to blame? myself.
sigh. i still think babies have the best life. all they care about is wheres the toy, the food and parents. they dont even need to clean themselves up, feed themselves, watch emotions of others and put up with rubbish. ah well. i've out grown that stage.
but to be thankful, i have friends to study with, friends to text, friends to eat and spend time with, friends to encourage me, parents who love me, parents who invest in me, parents who cook for me and drive me to school. most importantly, i have an amazing Father watching over me=)
18 more days and i'll burn my books.. im getting seriously bored..
in 3 days, it'd be 3 years..
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For God so love the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have enternal life. John 3:16
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