yo. I HATE YOU. i hate your eyes which wanders. i hate your mouth which sweets talk. i hate your heart which fell in love. i hate your attitude that doesnt die. i hate your face which make me love. i hate your words which went into my mind. i hate your mind which thinks about me. i hate you. i hate every part of you. i hate you to the fullest. i hate especially your heart and your face. i hate you. i seriously hate you. after so long, i still hate you. im lying. im obviously lying. i wish i could hate you, but i start to cry when i do so. i sang this hymn just now in church- the greatest thing, and started thinking about you. yes, the greatest thing i ever love and know is the Lord. but, the other greatest thing is knowing you and loving you. I HATE YOU.
5:40 PM
yo. LECIA YEE. HOW DARE YOU SCOLD PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE DOING IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD?! YOU STUCK UP ASSHOLE. NO FRIENDS. STILL INSULT AND OFFEND PEOPLE. NO WONDER. YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET. BEWARE OF ME BEFORE YOU SEE ME BEHIND YOU WITH A BEER BOTTLE. I GIVE YOU FACE BY JUST SUANING YOU.YOU STILL SO STUCK UP. IF NOT ONLY I PROMISED TBCVP IN NOT SCOLDING YOU, YOU WOULD HAVE GOT MORE THEN WHAT YOU HAVE GOTTEN.any way, this incident just started wtih TBCVP telling lecia that her hair is too long afriad she might get caught. and, she scolded TBCVP for that and said what pick on her when she was just helping. she think her hair like that so chio meh. ka pui. it sucks more like any thing k. pitying you that you might get caught by who- so- ever, TBCVP went to tell you and what she get in return? your fuced up face and attitude. please lah. want attract attention also no need like that lo. you so lonely. see le also feel like crying for you leh. wah lou. woooo. LECIA YEE IS A CHIO BU WOR. oh yah right. i think even TBCVP more chio then you lo. also desperate people go steady with you for like 1 day? ohhh. thats soooooo nice. see her always so lonely, i start laughing deep down in my heart man. evil or what. its true. who would want a friend who doesnt even appreciate kindness?i pei fu ying yin and anthia lo. they really are very nice people. you dont appreciate them and BYE BYE to them. you think they really get attracted to you cause you chio or good at heart meh? i think they pity you lo. even npcc people dont like you. then what cut wrist to attract attention also? cut all you want. the life is yours. if you dont know how to appreciate what you have and to take nice and soothing words into your heart, you are gonna suffer in future. seriously, i suggest you cut yourself and die. it would be nice to alot of people. the people who will be happy will be more then those who will be sad. i promise i will go visit you. i seriously promise here. if not i write down and sign beside it lah. and i return it to you when i see you in your coffin. that would be nicer. please lah. hello. i not chio also dont seek attention lo. unlike you. my attitude at least better than you. people say my hair long, i take it as they are helping me. and i thank them for that unlike you. i dunno what kind of teaching you get from your parents leh. i think the npcc campcraft team suffers with you around. seriously lah k.
woohoo. i love basketball. God blesss.
yo. i think i have fallen love with not him nor him, but BASKETBALL! i have been playing basketball since monday till today. its like. monday after art club went to play, then tuesday before music lesosns went to play, wednesday play until dunno how to go home and today play from 3 till about 4 sia. wooot. i made the most shots compared to the past few days. i found out that foul line shot is better then the rest lo. its like. i try dunno how many times at the side, non get in. i try foul line, 3 got in. hmm. need practise. will be playing tomorrow with adeline and caifeng again. adeline my basketball coach sia. she played on tuesday, wednesday and today. tomorrow she is gonna bring her basketball. oh well.. woo hoo. but i dont really do that well for basketball lah. i think i am better at defence. probably cause of my height. but play with those taller people damn jiat lat. jackson love to defend people until they cant even breathe. hahahaha. nice man. its like. he defend yan chang until he cant do any thing. haha. i always dont dare shoot. most of the time passing and defending. adeline shoots most of the time. in the end, our group won due to the three pointer. was damn tired. so laid on the basketball floor pouring 100 plus all over. then saw cheng zhong playing soccer shirtless. after that me and ying yin were practising shooting. then joel came to take the ball away. so we just sat there and talk lo. adeline fell and injured her leg. ahhh. yesterday, played with ivan and joel( sec 1) and ade of course. all of us fell. then today didnt fall. ade fell. hahaha. any way, basketball just rocks man. if only i own a basketball. oh well. i guess i will play till dont even study sia. bleah. any way.. after that, me and ying yin and adeline talked for like 30 mins then use chalk to draw on the metal thing. suddenly cheng zhong walk past. then ying yin was screaming at him and i just turned away. so didnt know if he turned lah. then by the time i walk back, he disapper le. nice one. hahaha. any way, gotta go study le. take care jolene. God bless every one and take care too..
5:53 PM
yo. i was online at eight this morning and met someone online. i was telling myself to forget him when i was talking to that someone. i was about to when i saw the back view of him in church after that. his singing didnt matter much to me at all. oh well. after worship, i saw him in the canteen. i was talking to my friend, when my friend said that he was looking at me. but i have to confess that i was looking at him at times too. just that i guess he didnt saw me looking. i was pleased to hear that he was looking at me. but once again, i fell deep deep into history. i prefer him hurting me once and for all instead of letting me fall into history. perhaps he doesnt know the impact he gave me. i saw him using his handphone today. i believe he still has my number with him. just that he didnt call me trying to make me forget the history i guess. i realised something. when he likes someone, he tend to not talk to that person. for example. he talks to every one around me may it be girls or guys. but he didnt talk to his ex at all nor the person who rejected him. and. he doesnt talk to me but just look at me. when youth havent started, he left a can outside and he had many routes to go out of the room. but he chose to walk past me. why. during youth. he sat opposite me and i couldnt look at any where but just at the front. so i was looking at him for quite some time. i saw him on the phone again after youth and in the end, he took his parents car. i had two ways home. left or right. his parents took the left while i took the right. if i took the left, i could at least wave a goodbye to him. i guess we have to depend of fate. i dreamt last night. i dreamt of you and you. i dreamt that we were together. close enough to find us two together where ever one of us went. close enough to see you every single day and to fall into your arms, wide open. in church, i remember once when we were on the phone, your friend asked if i was a girl or guy. and your reply was a girl. i just smiled to myself and you asked if i heard that. yes, i heard that. my voice maybe deep. and my looks arent as fine and gentle as other. but, you have to like me for who i am. after not calling you for so long, i still can remember your handphone number, your house number and your mother's handphone number. i dont have it in my phone nor any where and once it gets lost from my memory, i have no referal. i have promised to forget you. but i cant.
any way, went to watch I Not Stupid Too this afternoon. the show was touching. but, i find that some things inside wasnt that good. yes, my parents dont understand me that well. but they do kiss me and say i love you and hug me at times. they praise me alot too. till the extend that at times, i find that they are praising me too much. but, my mum is just like a radio. she can wake up at 330 in the morning and start scolding. i just asked if i could eat another pissiment and she said yes i could. but i saw the amount left and decided not to and she started saying that i should not have asked if i didnt want to eat. sheesh. i need a new water bottle cause my nike water bottle leaks so i told her i want one. and she was like. i dont see the point of having one. i dont ask for op stuff, adidas stuff, nike stuff, billabong stuff, its good enough. i save her cash. i dont go for branded wallets, nice new handphone, branded pencil box, new computer(im using a second hand one) nor a line. she should be happy and contented. clothes, i only have 2 adidas shirts and a op shirt. the rest of the things are not even branded. they are brandless. i dont ask for more. i have a adidas and deuter bag. adidas to go out, deuter for school. and the rest is not branded. my handphone is so lousy till even poorer people get better handphones then mine. i dont even ask for a good handphone. im using a prepaid card. and i dont even ask for a line. my computer is so lousy till there is no spare parts selling out there any more. what i have which is branded is just so little compared to my poorer friends. yes, i do go for better things like digital camera, internet. i go for the woods and not the trees. i maybe well off, but i dont stay in a private apartment. friends said that it doesnt mean i stay in a hdb and i am poor. i know i should be contented. my dad has two cars, i have a computer to myself, i have a handphone, i have a digital camera to myself, i have art lessons, music lessons, bowling ball, bowling lessons and more. i have much more things compared to others. i play golf, used to have swimming lessons, mum have a $7,000 salary per month, club member and stuff. so what. i am not happy. my mum says that i should do better for those subject i fail and starts scolding me over them. but i didnt well for my literature and she doesnt say any thing about it. i didnt my literature homework last night and she came in and started scolding. i was studying and yet she scolded me and talked about me using msn and blogging. what the hell. i want to get baptised cause i fell the prompt and she says that i shouldnt. its my life, my commitement. what can she say? i go gome after school every single day and dont even go out to play. even if i do so, i come home ask for permision the go biking. afriad that my mum worries about me if i stay back in school, i even msg her to tell her what time i come home. i also call her every time i get home from school. what more does she want? totally dont use my computer1?!? im trying. she says she wants to confiscate my handphone and i said ok. i give her so little trouble. i just failed two subjects. my teacher didnt call her to say that i have the lowest in class blah blah blah like my brother teachers did. cant she just even thank me for that? i save her bus fare getting into zhonghua by art. cant she do something that pleases me? like shut her frigging mouth for just ONE day? having her not in Singapore is so good at times. yes, i should be thankful and i am. i treasure every thing i have and when i get something, i wont ask for more till i find there is a need to change. for my whole life, i have only spent money on wo watches. and my brother spent loads. my parents too. and i dont ask for more. i wore one from k1 till primary 4 and from primary 4 till sec 2. now still wearing. i made such a good sacrifise and she doesnt treasure. all she knows how to say is " the future is yours. always msn and blog. dont spend time studying. you are driving me to my grave.." blah blah blah. she thinks its that easy to get all A1s then get for me to see lah. im not the brainy one. my brother is. im the artistic one. and she stopped developing my talent when i was primary 3 till primary 6. i didnt complain. she should see my talent. i can draw her nice enough when i am just secondary 2. i got into zhonghua by art. i wn my first ever art competition when i was just THREE yeras old. i won more than 10 art competitions. what else she wants? i just want her to shut her mouth till i ask her to open and to give me simple things like a water bottle. i just want good paint and brushes for art. i just want freedom to have time to use my computer and shut up about music. i dont want to be forced to learn piano. is that so difficult? i cant get all A1s. i tried. but i couldnt. perhaps not hard enough. i am trying to get away from my computer by staying in school. but, it doesnt seems to help. oh well. i guess i gotta have great faith in God to bring me through. i hereby confess that i dedicate my life to God. i will do my affirmation this december may it be objective. God bless.
yo. i was thinking of what to write when my friend mention christians.
yes. christians. is christians just a name to put above our heads or is it what we are and who we are? there are many occasions that we just use the word christian for fun and we dont seriously mean it. Christian in name. perhaps we go to church and become christians cause of parental affliliation and not cause they themselves belief in the Lord. at times, i do doubt the Lord. but come to think of it, im real fortunate to be able to pray and have quiet times without being disturb. at times, i wonder. are Christians real christians? i dont think all are. christians are supposed to be Christ- like. but i dont see them being Christ- like at all. i have to admit that even i arent Christ-like. people do make mistakes. yes. i know. we all sin. and the Lord died for us to clean us real clean.
i have friends who claim that they are christians. but they dont even go to church. to go to church is the basic. reading the bible is also the basic. if we dont go to church nor read the bible, how can we even be Christ- like? if you are saying that you are a Christian for the sake of having a religion, i seriously suggest you think over it. you are using God's name in vain. when i was younger, i used to do that and take God for granted. but no more now. i seriously feel that He is there and go to Him for help. i am even helping out in the church just to repay him. i love Him and know that He love me.
my dear friends. dont take God's love for granted. go to church if you can. read the bible when you are free. thank God for every thing. follow the bible as closely as possible. forgive and forget.
i pray Lord, that friends around me would take you as their personal saviour to glorify your name. father, i know that you love all of us as we are children of yours. Father, please teach and help those people to treasure you and not to use thy name for fun. bless us and protect us from all evils and lord, please take us through our life and follow with you closely as we grow up in your name. i pray that as people come to know you, they feel your presence. heavenly father, forgive us for the sins we have done and cleanse us. Amen.
yo. happy valentines day every one. thinking that it is valentine's day, i hate to think that i have a wounded heart. my niece asked me if i had a boyfriend. and my answer was. no, but i have a wounded heart. last year, when it was valentine's day. i guess that we were still close. or rather, we started being closer and closer. but this year, we are getting futher and futher. for the exceptional times that we talk for about one sentence to each other. and it happens like once in a month?? im tired. im really tired. i asked my friend last night why go into a relationship when you get hurt in the end. and his answer was for fun. perhaps to him, the girlfriend he has is always for fun. but, i see him just so serious when i saw them going into the dark corner. well, i dont know. but i just feel so tired that i just want to fall into a deep sleep. but when i sleep, i start to dream. and what do i dream? things which i dont want? yeahh.
i am just so grateful to mei zhen, mel and khoo. since i failed chinese, they are doing things to make me study so that i wont drop higher chinese. geography too. i know why i fail. thats becuase i spend too much time in front of the computer instead of books. deng lao shi may be right that its the class spirit which makes every one us and the friends we have, but we too, must be motivated. i am also touch by how they start a study group just to study together every single week. i believe that with them around, i will be able to do better. but i cant just rely on them. i have to motivate and be determine. guess i better take a rest before i get too tired to study tonight. God bless and once again, HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!!!
yo. although i dont really like posting, i have not much choice cause i dont have much people to talk to cause i dont want to disturb them. okay. lets start from this morning. this morning. i was given an excuse letter for being excuse from class to sell candles today. happily, i went down with clara and saw vivien running to us telling us that the secondary ones are down and that they wont want to go back to class. thinking that me and clara could help, we confronted them. and for all we know, they didnt want to go back and kept arguing till vivien cant even tell them off. ms see came and told them to go back. but, by then, it was like 10 mins more till recess. so she let them stayed. oh well. they were asked to do posters. so yeah, posters, they did. they basically just want to skip lessons. what the hell is that? what did they sell?!??!!! not more then i did. oh well. alright. i let them off that time. during art club. it didnt get to do with me much. so it goes like that. the secondary one were in the art gallery while the others were in the art room. two came back and were told that they had to hand up their SYF competition tomorrow. and this person, wanted to change the poster she wants to do. and well, the teahcer didnt allow of course. so she was like pleading and pleading. and its like. we can do why cant she? so, the teacher was pissed off also. then she came to tell me and a few others if we could teach them basic respect. okay. we cant. i have to say we cant. as a wealfare officer, it is only right to care about their wealfare. i am doing that as well as doing some other admin stuff also. its like. i have done beyond what i have to do. the art club should be nice enough to understand that. yes, i know, we have our own post and usually is busy with it. so. CAN THE SECONDARY ONES JUST GIVE US PEACE?!?!?!??! CAN YOUR CO-OPERTATE WE US!?!?!
feelings are dying. but memories arent. i just want feeligns to totally die or it to be given to someone whom can take away deep historys away from me. yes, he is my past. i have people like ***** ***** to like and love. but unfortunately, i dont like him. and whats more, he doesnt know me. bleagh.. gotta go. I MUST BE DETERMINE TO STUDY!!!. God bless.
yo. i awoke early today without my parents waking me up. i had this sudden feeling that i dont want to go to church. obviously, i still went. i dont know. i dont want to face reality. im confused. i went because of worshiping the Lord and not cause of just seeing him for 2 hours. i have decided. to put the past all behind me and to move forward. yes, its hard. but i have to. i just wish this guy would come along and take my past away from me. church. a place to worship and not a place to get a relationship. i have to get over him. and just perhaps take him as a friend whom i dont even talk to when we see each other at all. while listening to what uncle sk talk just now, he was opposite me and when i look right into his eyes, he looked back and turned away. another time was he looking into my eyes and i just looked at him for about a minute and decided to turn away. i see him seated and i just wonder. why is he so important to me. i looked at the drawing he drew. and i thought. if we were together, we could always spend time drawing together. it just happened to be the case where we share serveral common interest between ourselves which pulled us together. oh well
i was talking to this guy about not taking insults to heart. insults. at times, insults may just be misunderstandings. he was so called insulted by this girl who didnt even insult him. he took it to heart and started swearing. well. you are right. you didnt do any thing to get those insults and your name isnt for being insulted. and the person who made those so called insults didnt have a chance to explain to you. yes, you are supposed to listen to your gf. not me nor her. but why make things so difficult for you by giving them a hard time? forgive and forget. thats the only thing i can say before i tell you how it actually started. yeahh
what can i say? secondary two life isnt as simple as it used to be when i was in secondary two. i have to motivate myself like siao. which, i simply cant bring myself to study. staying back almost every single day to do stuff in school like projects and yada ya da.. i currently failed 1 subject and i seriously believe that i am gonna fail more as well. i cant believe i actually did fail. oh well. i gotta go. God bless
*save trip aunty janet and pastor paul.
yo. i just read this npcc C.I's blog. it just find it so meaningful. although i am not part of NPCC, but it just suddenly dawned upon me that the cadets and people in NPCC are just so determined. they are real determined in NPCC. i dont see them slacking. just to win a competition, they can have campcraft training like 3 or 4 times a week. im so deeply impressed. why do i see so many people from NPCC living and dying for NPCC. among all the uniform group, they have the most number or recruitments and i see them just so hardworking. this cadet inspector just work for npcc even though he have loads of things to do. i read his entries, and i see his cadets. they are so unlike other uniform groups. i have to say that i used not to like npcc so much. i used to think they are so kia su. they maybe abit kia su. but they have a way of making their own cadets love their cca and working towards the same goal. united as one they stand. i see those friends of mine in NPCC. they just love their cca and spend all their time on NPCC, bringing the unit a better one and being the best amongst all. their goal. ncos after ncos, working towards their goal. i just feel so touched when i see that. fellow friend in npcc have grown up. NPCC have built a fine character in them. they get punished ( can hear the ncos going [knock it down] so often ) but they just dont mind.i havent seen such a cca which can change their personal life. perhaps God's doing and power is just so strong. that C.I is a christian. he leaves so much things and relate so many things to God. i agree with him. God have gave us this family of ours for us to treasure.
The Lord. i love Him alot. He gave me friends from all over. He help me in every thing. He gives me love. He builds my character. He does wonders. nothing can i compare His love with. Lord. you are more beautiful then diamond. Lord you are more costly than gold. Lord you are more wonderful then every thing and nothing i desire compares with you.( i forgot abit of the lyrics.) the Lord has just work on me so much that i feel His love. i used to think that God was just Him, Himself.
in literature, i was asked. what influenced me the most. and my answer was my dad's heart attack. as i talk about it now, i feel like crying. my dad cant accept that he has a heart attack before. people around him care for him. and i see that he has so many true friends who brings so much things to the hospital for him. i see my family getting closer and closer each day. my dad's heart attack brought our family close. im so grateful. at times, in the past, i might not even see my dad for a few days cause i go to school early and he comes home late. it was as though i have no father, sad to say. my mum was the one who brought me up. when my dad comes home from dinner at 10 in the night, i accompany him and see him eat.if he doesnt come back by 10, i will call him. i seldom get the chance to see and talk to him. a father whom i seldom even see. i had no quarrels with me dad at all. we were so fine cause we didnt even get time to communicate. his bussiness was so well that he goes to indonesia so often. as i type, i feel tears rolling down my eyes. i have a friend, whose father died at the age of 12. he is 17 now, the man of the house. at least i still have a father around. his heart attack influenced me the most and now, he comes home for dinner at 7 daily. i spend more time with my father. but, we argue and quarrel more. God gave me this family. perhaps it was God's way of making our family a better one by giving him a heart attack. his life maybe shortened. but, at least i feel the fatherly love. unlike last time. two years ago, i didnt think so much. but now, two years from then, i have grown up. i begin thinking about much more things other then relationship.
ever since secondary 1, i think my thinking have changed. i think in a more sensible way and God have worked on me real deeply. i feel His love.i spend time commenting on things rather then msning all the time. i may suck in studies. but, i believe my thinking have grown up. i can comment on things like people and life. i learn to see the meaning in songs instead of just seeing the words of the lyrics and singing along. this song, is a song my primary 6 teacher taugh. to where you are by josh groban. i havent hear this song for so long. but the lyrics are just engraved in my mind. the tune as well. its goes like this
-Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are myForever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday'
Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believeT
hat angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
its a real nice song. i have not posted such a long post for a very long time. but i still feel like penning down my thoughts. i have spent a long time thinking. and i guess i shall end here. i will write again when i have more thoughts. God bless.
yo. oh well.i guess i am quite used to living with you any more. i didnt even know what have happen you what you treasure most - your handphone. thinking that it is still working well and fine, i didnt even bother to give you a call. till i called kester and he told me that hoyur phone battery has been stolen. i saw you online. i talked to you regarding youth. but, you either ignore it or your dad was using. i dont know which is true. i cant trust you much more then i did last time. when i go to orchard, i remember what happened last year duing teacher's day eve. how you treated me so well till the extent of even asking me to go join your group and asking me to stay longer in far east. how you gave me directions for going to far east to just seee your face. you have gotten over her long time back and moved on. but i havent get over you yet. i see you almost every sunday. but i didnt see you last week. if one of us skips church for one time, it is equivent to both of us not seeing each other for two weeks. i am planning to skip secondary 2 camp just to see you for 2 hours or even lesser. yes, anthia is right. you are my past and i should move on. there are many other guys out there in the world like ***** *****. lol. any way. but why cant i just get over you and either stay out of love or go crazy about other guys? i wish i lied to anthia, jolene and friends. if i could get over you, it would be good. just let me know how you treat me or take me as now. i jsut wish to hear your voice. for 1 minute or less each day. to know that you are fine, safe and still living a good life. i just want to know that. if you are happy, so would i be. i cant move on that easily. i guess this love we have develop is greater then even falling for jun kai last time. jun kai one was just one- sided. but i believe that although we werent together, it wasnt one- sided. if its so, i guess that i am just isnt your type and you have been using me. or, lets say, i have been helping you till the extent of getting into trouble myself. can you tell me that love isnt what i think it is? painful all the time. i spend time thinking of every moment we spend together. how wonderful, happy and pleasing we were. cheng zhong told me he has a char bo and i cried. not because of him having a char bo or being jealous or what-so-ever. but, i just felt the sudden weakness in me that i could feel tears dripping down. i dunno why. but i just started to think. think of how we were last time, how wonderful it was to have you always calling me and telling me how stuff were. how i accompanied you through the night when you got chase out even though i had maths test the next day. can you put those behind your head? no, i cant. i really wonder if you can. i dont know. i am confused. really confused. i wish i just could fall for someone. cheng zhong or who ever it maybe and let the past go behind me. i dont want to remember any thing. just give me a head concussion. but, when i get admitted to the hospital, will you come along with the youth to visit me? i hope not. if not i guess i may lose all my memories, but not for what happen in the past year. oh well
i guess i am not falling for him. since i have in memory of the past so much and just cant get over him. anthia, jolene, clara and more people, dont tease me le. especially not the mrs zinc,zinc, zinc cz or whatever that song is. haha. im gonna scold him for making so much noise. early morning want to wake people up. wah kao eh. npcc every time like that de lo. that time saturday morning over there run run run and shout so loud. wh piang ehh. but perhaps, i may not have the chance since i am going visiting tonight. shooot. lol. any way, gonna have to skip semons this coming sunday to prepare two songs for pastor paul, sing out and mighty is the power of the cross. hope pastor paul appreaciate our kindness. oh well.. i guess i better end here. God bless.
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For God so love the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have enternal life. John 3:16
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