it seems odd. my odd feeling has gone. but i still am as confused as usual. i dont feel good. i did weights today. went to the gym. i over did. till i almost fainted. fell asleep even though the thunder was rumbing loudly away. didn have a proper lunch. not much engergy. but still, i did almost all the weights. free weights too. 10 kg. and for legs, i did at 70kg for both legs. though i felt like giving up, i just dont know why but continued to do. am i ill treating myself? i dont know. i dont want to ill treat myself for the people who cares around me. my mood. does it depend on the weather? seem abit so. my hands and legs are all aching now. i think it will be worse tomorrow. sigh. i am stressed. yes, every one is. things just happen continously. more and more till i dont know what to do. i am loaded with homework once again and this time includes art as well. art, isnt that what i love? yes. i do. i still do. however, i just dont feel like doing what we are suppoed to do. no idea perhaps. oh no. yes, i do have an idea. but, i just cant think more out of the box. the printer is out. i cant print. what next? draw. perhaps so. was made to change my bedsheet although i was dying. am already damn tired. till the extent that i am going to continue this post tomorrow. im burned. totally burned out. i am going to fail science paper once again. i did rather well for literature for ca1. 69. one more mark to A2. whatever. im agitated now. every one is making me pissed off. my mum. my brother. every single person. when i told my mum what i told my teacher because she commented that i have alot of comments, i was told off. what the hell is this. i promised and solemnly swear that i will not tell my mum so much things. or at least i will try not to. whatever i say is forever incorrect. i know what is right and what is wrong. i dont need her to tell me so much bullshits. and. people. let me just tell you. what i write in my blog is my problem. dont try and comment and make bullshit of of every thing i write. you have totally no right to have any say in what i post. not happy, scram. i am totally pissed off by every thing. 12 days without swear words. its a great achievement. and my mum says i need to drink crysanthemum tea. oh yah right. any way, i like it. its nice to drink. but i drink becuase its nice and not because i need to cool myself down. ohh. perhaps i seriously need to cool myself down too. so. if you really want that to happen, dont make me pissed off. i have controlled my temper for a very very long time. it may bursy any single minute now. i refuse to sleep. i just want to occupy the time. the lesser the sleep i get, the less tired i feel. so why not sleep lesser. and as khoo has on her nick saying that it is those who studies who feel disappointed when they get back their results so why bother studying? to a certain extent, i agree. oh no. im going to start writing an exposititon. i dont think that writing an exposititon is my forte. and neither getting pissed off is my forte. talking about getting pissed off, i have one more to comment. my brother just has to fight with me for the sound system. i switch on the radio, he switches on the tv. good mood, i entertain him. but, as i mentioned, i am not in a good mood. and he had to rub salt into the wound. and he claims that i am daddy's princess. but, i think he is more of mummy's prince with her helping him to pack his camp bag. and he claims that i dont have the chance to go out of Singapore because of the lousy school i am in. its more like, i dont even bother showing my parents the consent form. oh whatever. i shall continue this tomorrow since my mum is chasing me out like a wolf coming after a sheep.
so alright. continue from here. i dont know why but i just seem so agitated when my parents talk to me. especially my mum. sigh. life is getting more and more and more complicated. homework piling up. have no idea what to do for art journal. but i must do well. i havent do well for my past art works AHHH!!!!!!! any way, shall go. bye. God bless
i feel troubled.
i feel sick.
i feel depressed.
i feel stressed.
i feel sad.
i feel unhappy.
i feel frustrated.
i feel vexed.
i feel irritated.
i feel lousy.
i feel heavy.
i feel tired.
i feel bad.
i feel crapped up.
i feel devastated.
i feel unplesant.
i feel hopeless.
i feel confused.
i feel like theres something in me.
i feel like im lacking in something.
i feel like doing something which i dont know what.
i feel like sleeping and never wake up.
i feel like taking a long long bath.
i feel like drinking loads and loads of water till im full.
i dont know.
i dont know whats wrong.
i dont know what to do.
i dont know how i actually feel.
i dont know any thing.
i dont know how.
i dont know.
a mixed feeling.
a funny feeling.
a undescribable feeling.
a unpleasant feeling.
a unhappy feeling.
a confused feeling.
sigh.
the weather plays my mood.
its raining.
i feel bad.
i feel dull.
im confused.
i dont know what im doing.
i have a feeling i cant describe.
sigh.
it long dawned upon me that my uncle was going to pass away. i didnt know how to react when my mum recieved the call telling us that we need not visit him for he died at 2am this morning. 2am, when i just fell into a deep slumber. i wonder why it didnt occur to me that something bad was going to happen. my immediate reaction was tears flowed down. sigh. i knew the day was going to come. 4 weeks of pain and agony. blewww. it all now is gone away.. to me, as a christian, he has gone away peacefully to be with the lord. there is nothing to be sad of because the lord will take care. but, unfortunately, he isnt a christian. thus, those people around him will feel sad naturally. i know, its nautral to feel sad. but, after near 14 years of living, no one died except my grandfather when i was like 3 years old and my grandmother's sister's husband when i was like 6. now that i have grown, i cant take it as though i know nothing. my mum, shes weak, i know. i cant be weak too. ms tan once told me. if i am weak, my parents are weak, no one will be there to support. i shall be strong. but, i just cant resist the urge to cry. cry for someone who cared so much for me as though we are his grandchildren. every chinese new year, we would spend the second day together and he would always take food for me and my brother to savour. he would stuff sweets into my pocket. i see him just around once a year. not being able to spend much time with him. the last time i saw him was in the hopsital 2 weeks ago. ( wrote a post on that. ) and now, two weeks later, he passed away. i still thought that he would be able to go through this torture and come out fine, he recovered slightly and i was happy for him. unknowingly, he had dengue fever. his fever soon went away. however, on friday night, he had a fever again. not being able to visit him yesterday due to my dad being in malaysia, i thought he could wait for just one more week. he passed on at two this morning. we were not able to see him the last time. not even the last time. thankfully, i saw him two weeks ago. although we may not be close to him, he meant a bit to me. i could see the love instilled in him. all his doing made it even harder for us to swallow. i believe i will miss him. not being able to celebrate any more chinese new year with him. I am young, at a stage in my life where I cannot accept death. I have not learnt to. I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with grief. I wonder how his wife will cope. To have the one she loved deeply just depart from her this way, so cruelly, full of cold hard reality. And to me, the thing I will regret the most would be the fact that we never shared the gospel with him. my mum once prayed that as long as he recovered, she would share the gospel with him. unfortunately, it all wasnt in time. sigh.
11:40 AMdo i have parents? i dont think so. "my mum". once she comes home she scold. what the hell. treated friends to bowling games. just 12 dollars for them. thats not alot right. its like. heeelllloooo. 12 dollars. she says she is rich. and yet she is scolding me for letting my friends play so many games. what the hell is this? how often do they get to bowl? what. 3rd time only? while me, about a 100th time? what the fuck is this man. fuck her. what she complains is all about money. money and more money. telling me and my brother how important money is. and 12 dollars. my friends are so happy. but, she , so stingy. she says. you want money, just take. she is rich enough. i believe she spends more then 12 on a friend right. and how often do i even get to treat them? to let them just enjoy? money. money. money. yes, i know it is important. but, she just wants to get into our mind how important money is. i mean. so parents tell their children how important money is? nope. they dont. what the use telling us? ohhhhh. she cares about money sooooo much. gosh. and what, she wants me to go to church. when i want, she doesnt want. when i dont want. she wants me to go. why is she like that? i have made a conclusion. i have no family members. the only one is my brother. he who cares, understands, listen to me. not my parents. thus, i have no parents. my home is only a place for me to sleep, eat, get scolded, study. i cant have peace here. no peace for me. my brother call them the retards. yes, i do agree. especially "my mum". ohhhhh. my brother is my one and only kin. this family. i cant communicate well with any one of them except my brother. through the years of fights, quarrels and stuff, i finally know that my brother is my only kin. my one and only one. i just dont know why i dont feel at home without my brother. i cant voice any comments or any thing at home. we are defiant to "our parents". we only listen to each other, stick to each other, care for each other. i dont feel "my parents" love at all. sigh.. money. thats the cause i guess. busy, we are as we grow up. time at home gets lesser. time with parents also get lesser. but, time with my brother actually increases. i was actually touched by him. he told me to go to university. so he can take care of me. after 2 years of army, we enter university together. any one bully me, he will get him for me. touched. last night, we were talking half way. and i told him i had a test today. he scolded me for staying up so late and told me to sleep. yeah. thats my brother for you. i thank the Lord for my beloved brother. love him to bits. take care every one. happy Good Friday. God bless.
6:24 PM
since i havent updated for about nearly a week, lets look back.alright. so wednesday. wednesday we had english common test and it was quite difficult. after that rushed to the hospital for my review..so saw Dr Gao and he told me that i need 4 - 6 sessions of weekly heat treatment. i was kinda shock. where do i have so much time? in addition of got pack every single day. oh well. alot of time needed. oh ya, met christopher there. same doctor.. so after that went to hougang mall popular to buy maths assesment, pens and also black paper to cover my table. couldnt get the maths assesment nor black paper. so went to kovan. saw khoo and her sister eating at kfc when i was in hougang mall. i still couldnt get the black paper. so i bought a maths assesment and science assesment. went to the christian shop to get a birthday present for ming ying. then went back. reached home at around 8pm..
next day. thursday. had maths ssp( to me but remedial for others.) after that went to play basketball in the rain with adeline. met czander and keith at the cc basketball court. wow. i didnt know playing in the rain could rock so much. so played in the rain for like 30 minutes before the rain stop. clothes could squezze water after that. then. me and ade went to the cc to talk for a while before mum msged me telling me to go home. so went home. learn that i have physio theraphy the next day. and the next day was sports day!!! mum have already called ms tan without me agreeing to it. booooo.
so friday. went to school till 11. 10. had art club committee meeting till 12. then went to buy food from the canteen with khoo and mei zhen and bought it back home to eat.then used my computer for a while.. after that left my house at like 1pm. then khoo wear her shoe soooooo slow. could play3 pieces of exm pieces on the piano. then we reached downstairs already 1. 10. we ran ran ran. reached there at 1. 17. then we are actually late. but geena let us off. pheww. thanks. then after that attend sports day till 2. 40. went for physio theraphy. physio theraphy was like putting a hot thingy over my shoulders. for 10 to 12 minutes. then after that over my back for 5 minutes. 6 sessions of that. what the fook. so its like 27 minutes altogether. once a week. such a waste of time. oh well. but i have to lar. since my muscle are so tensed and its hurts. stress. so much stress. then went back for sports day at 4. 30 just in time for prize presentation. missed relay. missed teacher's relay. oh well. yup. thats about it. pon sungei buloh post activity today. heck care. lol. yup. bye and God bless all.
yo. had nafa test 5 items today. had 5 points for every thing except standing board jump. and i went. what the fuck. 1 more cm and i get a 5 point. wah lou. ARGHHHHH. at least.. i didnt disappoint my dad. but i disappointed my mum. i scored 4 / 15 for science. bleaghh. i failed. 17 people passed only.. any way.. so first lessons was CE. changed sitting position.. i didnt move. i remained. now, mel is beside me, on my left. on my right is khoo( tables joint) behind is still beatrice and beside beatrice is mei zhen.. mel is like so lonely lor.. oh well.. and whole day mood swing cause she is lonely. but, she would be more attention paying in class what.. and i am like in the centre cause probably ms tan wants me to learn from them. quite satisfied with khoo beside me, mel beside and mei zhen behind. though mel is abit left out. awww..
any way.. was reading some one's blog. and yes, i agree. totally agree. its like. we are in a room. God is outside knocking. and we refuse to let him in. and i know. i am always using words like Church, Lord, God, Jesus and perhaps just putting it in to use as excuses. yes, its wrong. i need to treasure God more and not use him in fact. let him in, bless me, bless my family, help me. and not close him out, not allow him to help. i was listening to the sermons yesterday in which we people refuse to trust the lord. i agreee. i may doubt him at times. but i seriously love him. i guess life wont be any thing without him for we will not even be alive. trust the lord and love him more. =) God bless.
profile
W
For God so love the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but shall have enternal life. John 3:16
mail.
♥
likes
my bed
my computer
my friends
my handphone
family
Aikido
God
dislikes
parting.
wants
stop being a jack ass
closer to God
mature
excel in art and sports
find something i really love doing.
archives
November 2004;
December 2004;
January 2005;
February 2005;
March 2005;
April 2005;
May 2005;
June 2005;
July 2005;
August 2005;
September 2005;
October 2005;
November 2005;
December 2005;
January 2006;
February 2006;
March 2006;
April 2006;
May 2006;
June 2006;
July 2006;
August 2006;
September 2006;
October 2006;
November 2006;
December 2006;
January 2007;
February 2007;
March 2007;
April 2007;
May 2007;
June 2007;
July 2007;
August 2007;
September 2007;
October 2007;
November 2007;
December 2007;
February 2008;
March 2008;
May 2008;
June 2008;
July 2008;
August 2008;
September 2008;
October 2008;
November 2008;
December 2008;
January 2009;
February 2009;
March 2009;
April 2009;
May 2009;
June 2009;
July 2009;
August 2009;
September 2009;
October 2009;
November 2009;
December 2009;
January 2010;
February 2010;
March 2010;
April 2010;
May 2010;
June 2010;
July 2010;
August 2010;
September 2010;
October 2010;
November 2010;
December 2010;
January 2011;
February 2011;
March 2011;
April 2011;
May 2011;
January 2012;
tagboard