' running a never ending road______

Friday, August 13, 2010

i can be the one cheering my friends up, encouraging them, telling them to go on and not be tired and stuff, but at times, i feel the same as them. in fact, i should say i feel worst than them. no sign is showing that i'm even able to get into uni with my current grades now. no one understands how much i study at home although i play and fool around in school. i bet no one even knows i study. not producing results does not equate to not studying. yes, i dont deny i do selective homework. but for those work that i do, do i even get a grade that my hard work turns into? no. getting back papers after papers with nothing but a big fat U, or even single digit scores, as bad as like 10%. all they say is, i'm not studying or i dont put in effort to do my work. my friends says that, my teachers do to. and all who sees me study the shit outta me are my parents. but, i never did tell them how badly i'm doing in school. cause they'd just go on saying how i'm stressing them or just telling me that it's okay and walk off. not that i want them to chide me or any sort, but there's just no one who knows what i'm doing. i'm not some genius unlike others who can go off without studying or just studying a little. i'm different. people just associate those that are not doing well to not studying. i really dont know how else to help myself. it's not that i didnt study. i'm tired. really. at least when people study, they see results. when i study, i see nothing but even worst results. so why bother studying? tell me. really. teachers come after me to see them for consultation, remedial and one after another. i seldom even reach home before 7. they expect me to revise for the time practise. but they dont even give me the time to do so. how am i supposed to? consultations. not that i dont want to see them. but i really have no time. breaks are eaten up by extra lessons. 2 hours of chem, 1 hour of physics, 1 hour of maths for every single week. plus they give time assignments that we're to do by that day. like 2 econs essays by that day. time practise during class time is turned into time practise AFTER school. so how am i supposed to go home and study? how? my content up there is 0%. throw me a billion. it'll be 0% if i do not have time to study. so why? stop fighting for me will you teachers. i know you all care. but really, i need my fair share of time to study and rest too. i cant use ALL breaks studying and mugging. i need to eat. my breaks are squeeze to 30 minutes only. how short do you want it to be? i see my friends who are less hardworking than me scoring so much better than me, but i see nothing. they wave their scores right before me, saying how much it sucks, have you ever considered my feelings? at least some do shut up but not everyone does. i really feel like slapping them upside down. one day i should do that. but who can i blame all these? no one, but myself. perhaps sometimes it's better to drop out. i wonder what kept me in jc for one over year. and a's is in 3 months. and i feel as though i just entered jc with totally no knowledge at all. nevermind. no one understands, no one sees. people will just think they're feeling the same too. nevermind. only God knows. mercy Lord.

6:31 PM

died__

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

im officially legal, as many would say, as of yesterday.

yeap. finally my turn to turn 18. i wonder if i should use the word " finally" or not. because it means im getting old, but it means im growing up, maturing at the same time. the day was awesome. started getting angpows from parents and relatives over the weekend. went to celebrate with family at astons specailities. spent like 100 over bucks there followed by ben and jerrys. sunday, parents bought ice cream cake =D. so at 12 recieved quite a number of msges and im really glad that they bothered and remembered. went to school and aud made breakfast for me! so sweet! my dear girls surprised me and i was really shocked by them because usually im the one planning it. and they didnt wish me earlier. so i thought they forgot. but nevertheless, they came from behind and sang birthday song for me. touched ttm. ong chin meng and ms kat somehow knew it was my birthday and wished me as well. mum took leave and cooked some of my favourite food. yum yum. opened facebook and recieved over a hundred of wishes. wow. totally shocked me. i didnt know that many people actually bothered to wish. made my day, all of them. gonna celebrate with clique of 7 soon and with zh girls! whooo.

thank God for the day, my family, my friends and all those wishes. thank You Lord.

thanks for remembering. if you did continue the conversation and asked me what i wanted, i would have told you.

8:13 PM

died__

Sunday, August 01, 2010

life has been good so far. was talking to my friend about being happy, and sermons today was about that.
1) dont care about how others judge you

3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.1 Corinthians 4:3-4
by not caring how others judge you or how you judge yourself, it makes you happier because all you have to think of is your clear conscience. ignore those who babbles about how bad you are, how irritating or being a jackass. dont depend on how others look at you. if they're full of praises, good for you. but if its the other way, you dont have to care.

2) do not worry

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
worrying gives you unneeded unhappiness. let nature take it's own course. there are so many things to worry about. a never ending list. so why bother since it doesnt solve any thing but just make you disappointed and continue sighing and sighs.

3) think about the good things

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8
indeed. thinking about the good things will make you happy. think about how you smiled uncontrollably or how you rolled on the floor laughing. aint they so much better to think about compared to when you cried, when you was filled with anger and hatred. it makes you even worst.

4) be contented

1I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.Philippians 4:11
as economists goes, there are alot of wants, but there are only a limited amount of resources lest we have to forgo something. new technologies are invented so often - i touch , i pad, play station, wii and the list continues to go on. wanting all of them will definitely make you crack your brain to get all those ( esp for students who arent working). in the process, you get all sad and muddled up. so why bother? why not enjoy those things you already have?

the last point which relates to christians:
5) follow God's will.

following God's will will allow you to live a much simple life. instead of battling with Him, why not go with Him? in the book of joshua, joshua led his man to do destroy towns after towns upon seeking God. however, they failed to do so when they came to the city - Ai. Ai was a much smaller town. so essentially, they would not have any problems destroying the town since they have already done so to other towns. unfortunately, they failed to seek God. and they failed to destroy ai. so isnt following God's will much simpler?

i think i'm happy. i do not have any thing i want or need. im contented. im happy with the people around me. i'm delighted with how sweet they are. going to mac just cause i wanted to. walking slowly cause i sprained my ankle. accompanying me while waiting for my dad to come and so much so much more. i'm happy. =)

2 more days to my birthday. and i aint looking forward to it. time pract till 6.45. wow.

5:26 PM

died__