' running a never ending road______

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

this post is full of swear words. so if you dont like them. there is a way not to read it...

today sucks. every thing goes wrong. first my handphone was confiscated last night by my sucking mum. and he is dropping my calls. fuck. art club started at 2.30 today and clara msged to tell me. but my fucking phone is with my fucking mum. so i missed. and 1 demerit. FUCK THE SCHOOL FOR SUCH A SCHOOL rule. it is not my fault. the art club is suppose to start at 3.45. and i dunno how it start at 2.30. fuck the world. every thing is wrong. and i am WRONG. you are RIGHT. you maybe my mum. but i cant fulfill every thing you want. i have the freedom to talk to who i want to. he is not stranger. i knew him since i was born. we are close. but not close as in a relationship. we are just friends. i believe he is one friend that can last for long. he is nice and caring and helpful. but YOU had to steal it all away till the extend of him not picking up my calls. you can do any thing you want to me. but why disturb the friendship between us??? pa always tells me to be sociable. but YOU are always afriad i make the wrong friends. are my friends that bad?? just because of this. i cry. well. i jsut dunno why every time some thing happens between us. i will just cry. it doesnt solve any thing. but what can i do? its my mum who is reframing me from talking to you. i have to fulfill both you and him. is my FUCKINg life suppose to be like that?? whats the point of having a fucking life? sigh. i dunno what the hell is wrong. all along i confide my stuff in him. now that we are taken from each other. i have no one to go to. except charmaine. though we are so far apart. we are still so close. if he was a gurl. i bet ma will let me talk to him. but... he is a guy. nothing wrong talking to him right????? why are you against me talking to him? i just cant understand. i love him. like i love others. whats wrong? did GOD make a rule saying i cant talk to him??? no right?? so why are you disallowing me to do so? i believe he will not harm me in any way. if he is willing to love me and to treat me well, may it be as a friend or what, i will do the same. he has treated me well. so well. that i cant do any thing but to treat him well also. i cant trust every one. but i can trust him. i trust 3 people only. that is charmaine sng, joan and him. well.. perhaps God is giving us a huge test since we care for each other so much.. i guess its enough le.. take care and god bless. especially you.spend more time on your studies and your attitude. not every one can stand your temper.

* life without you sucks.. i love you.

7:48 AM

died__

Monday, September 19, 2005

yo.
-(7.54pm)long time no post le. not really long lar. today's my parents aniversary. so what????? and its lantern festival. dad's in malaysia for some grasshood leader meeting. yahh. reformatted my computer today and guess what? most of my songs are GONE. yeah. but never mind. got back some from kai shan. today, went to church. every thing as usual. it was raining in the morning. almost didnt go to church caused we didnt have the car. was just on time when we reached there. yah. than after that youth. played some stupid game. before that dr tan kim huat gave a over view of relvatations. understand some. quite alot. than after that went home. waited for da kor kor and kaishan. than da kor kor repaired my computer for me. as kai shan's one wasnt repaired yet. i had to let him use mine. but i told him to wait for me to dl my stuff first. he didnt allow. that is when ma came in. she saio de lor. i let kor use he dont want. that was when i went back to use my computer. after that ma was like yacking right beside me and pulling my hair. we fought. kinda. than that was when it became havock. i left my computer for a while to do my maths homework. and she followed me. DUMB ASSSSSS. than after that we aruged. cause she keep pulling my hair. WTF lor. not my fault. she said she dont wanna talk to me. dont want dont talk larr. why is there so many problems between me and my parents?? oh ya. she said she also wanted to send me to AG home. perhaps life would be beteter if i stayied in AG home lor. talk so much. than i said i wanna go to NAFA after my O levels. than she say what dont want you to go......... than she said the main reason i wanna go is because of someone. NOT HIM ALRIGHT!!!!! i have got nothing to do with him. just friends. and ma thinks every guy i talk to is my boyfriend. keep it that way if you want to.but i have to say we are close.. yah. any way, life seems meaningless for me. if only pa was here to stop every thing( though he is useless at times.) sighhh. many things happened today. i wanna rest and curl up and die.

-(10.35pm)sighhh. just now. while i was talking to him. my mum suddenly took my handphone. wha lou. than she go and check the miss call and recieve calls. all from him lor. than msg also. than i kanna from my mum a big scolding. I HAVE GOT NO RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. he is just a FRIEND. PURE FRIEND. i do not like him or what so ever your think. even my brother sides my mum. what the fuck lar. than call him also dont respond. just drop my call. if he wants it to be like that. so be it. i have tried to sustain my friendship with you and you always mood swing and give attitude. sighhhh. i really dunno what to do. well. its my fault alright. second time it had happened. once in may and now again. i really dunno what the hell am i suppose to do. i wanna just end it all at once. my mum is just like hers. we will have to end. i dont want to fall in love with you nor you in love with me. lets just be friends. but not so close. people will think that we are into a relationship. which we TOTALL ARE NOT. if you manage to read it, i hope you will not bear grudges on me. i apologise if my mum did do any thing to you. i have tried my best to stop her from doing any thing. i will still take you as a friend, a very close one who shared my joy and sorrows with.

- happy birthday to Hannah
- happy birthday in advace to ben, wanlin and k.kaiwen

*still wandering what is life all about.

1:54 PM

died__

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

yo. i really dunno whats up with you. but i have to say you have changed. we were so close last time. but guess that we are not that close after all. well. that goes to say, dont always suppose that a close friendship will last very long. well. we arent friends arent we? we are god sis. i thought god sisters are suppose to be closer? perhaps its because of the additional three people bah. i guess so. but than dont you prefer all to be close rather than someone being left out? i have being there since i was born. just like two of them. esp the younger one. same class since dunno how many years old. yeas. so getting us apart isnt that easy. i just let you talk to them and have fun with them while i occasionally join in. thats nice of me i know. and i often help you with your stuff when you need and than you can just dao me yesterday. PERFECT YOU ARE. EXCELLENT. just EXCELLENT. i guess i just have to forgive and forget. if not there is no point being a christian i guess. well. sad to say, i surrender. i can only pray for you thats all. i prayed and prayed and prayed. like what he said, theres no outcome. but perhaps GOD is just testing me. he gave me you my friend, my god sister for a reason. so i guess what we have been through for less a month is a painful lesson. well. i really dunno what to do with both of us. i just hope we will be friends again. well. thats all i have to say. sisters forever after all.=)). god bless and bye peeps.

*wandering what will be the outcome. enooy yourself and all the best for your ns.

1:25 PM

died__

Thursday, September 01, 2005

yo. today was teacher's day eve. went back to holy! yay!!!. yups. than met miss lim.than i kinda pang sei anthia. lols. than jun kai was there. than he kept looking at me and i kept looking at him. i dont dare talk to him and he didnt talk to me lor.sighhh. yeas. than joke around with boon hui, merri, manting, fiona and more people lar.. hahas. returning holyt was cool man. memories all came back.than after that went plaza with charmaine sng and joan. than was like so boring lor. took neos. and one news. kai shan took neos!!! hahas.yup. than took neos than went to eat lunch. oh ya. joan went home after that. lunch was at mos burger. than walk walk walk, nothing to do. than suddenly zane msg me and said. go orchard. will see you there. than i was like huh, okay lor. than when i left, went to hereen. than i msged him and told him i was at hereen. than his reply was i just left hereen, on the way to far east. and i was like hmm. so? than he called me and ask me to go to far east. than after that he suddenly msg and say, if you walk fast enough, you will meet me. than when i reached far east le. i wanted to ask him where he was. than he suddenly pop up in front of me and just came out from a shop. than he was like aye. than i just looked at him than walk past each other le. than didnt meet any more. yup. but msged lar. but than i havent talk to him since i got home. or rather since i left far east. than i keep using charmaine phone. than very pai sae man! hahahs. casue my brother call, zane called and ma called. so keep using her phone lor.. lols. hahas. than by the time i reached home was around seven le. met carina and her aunt. at the dg station. me and charmaine just miss the train by a bit man. the door closed right infront of us. hahas.me and charmaine had loads to talk about lor. talk all the time. not tired. but was damn thirsty and out legs were damn tired. hahahs. well. today i enjoyed myself very much.

*i wonder why you want to meet me. it really makes me wonder. seriously. dont be so close to me. i am afraid that i might fall for you. i dont want that to happen.
*i guess it is really time for us to start talking again. the past is the the past. i made the mistake.

11:34 AM

died__