' running a never ending road______

Sunday, February 19, 2006

yo. i was online at eight this morning and met someone online. i was telling myself to forget him when i was talking to that someone. i was about to when i saw the back view of him in church after that. his singing didnt matter much to me at all. oh well. after worship, i saw him in the canteen. i was talking to my friend, when my friend said that he was looking at me. but i have to confess that i was looking at him at times too. just that i guess he didnt saw me looking. i was pleased to hear that he was looking at me. but once again, i fell deep deep into history. i prefer him hurting me once and for all instead of letting me fall into history. perhaps he doesnt know the impact he gave me. i saw him using his handphone today. i believe he still has my number with him. just that he didnt call me trying to make me forget the history i guess. i realised something. when he likes someone, he tend to not talk to that person. for example. he talks to every one around me may it be girls or guys. but he didnt talk to his ex at all nor the person who rejected him. and. he doesnt talk to me but just look at me. when youth havent started, he left a can outside and he had many routes to go out of the room. but he chose to walk past me. why. during youth. he sat opposite me and i couldnt look at any where but just at the front. so i was looking at him for quite some time. i saw him on the phone again after youth and in the end, he took his parents car. i had two ways home. left or right. his parents took the left while i took the right. if i took the left, i could at least wave a goodbye to him. i guess we have to depend of fate. i dreamt last night. i dreamt of you and you. i dreamt that we were together. close enough to find us two together where ever one of us went. close enough to see you every single day and to fall into your arms, wide open. in church, i remember once when we were on the phone, your friend asked if i was a girl or guy. and your reply was a girl. i just smiled to myself and you asked if i heard that. yes, i heard that. my voice maybe deep. and my looks arent as fine and gentle as other. but, you have to like me for who i am. after not calling you for so long, i still can remember your handphone number, your house number and your mother's handphone number. i dont have it in my phone nor any where and once it gets lost from my memory, i have no referal. i have promised to forget you. but i cant.
any way, went to watch I Not Stupid Too this afternoon. the show was touching. but, i find that some things inside wasnt that good. yes, my parents dont understand me that well. but they do kiss me and say i love you and hug me at times. they praise me alot too. till the extend that at times, i find that they are praising me too much. but, my mum is just like a radio. she can wake up at 330 in the morning and start scolding. i just asked if i could eat another pissiment and she said yes i could. but i saw the amount left and decided not to and she started saying that i should not have asked if i didnt want to eat. sheesh. i need a new water bottle cause my nike water bottle leaks so i told her i want one. and she was like. i dont see the point of having one. i dont ask for op stuff, adidas stuff, nike stuff, billabong stuff, its good enough. i save her cash. i dont go for branded wallets, nice new handphone, branded pencil box, new computer(im using a second hand one) nor a line. she should be happy and contented. clothes, i only have 2 adidas shirts and a op shirt. the rest of the things are not even branded. they are brandless. i dont ask for more. i have a adidas and deuter bag. adidas to go out, deuter for school. and the rest is not branded. my handphone is so lousy till even poorer people get better handphones then mine. i dont even ask for a good handphone. im using a prepaid card. and i dont even ask for a line. my computer is so lousy till there is no spare parts selling out there any more. what i have which is branded is just so little compared to my poorer friends. yes, i do go for better things like digital camera, internet. i go for the woods and not the trees. i maybe well off, but i dont stay in a private apartment. friends said that it doesnt mean i stay in a hdb and i am poor. i know i should be contented. my dad has two cars, i have a computer to myself, i have a handphone, i have a digital camera to myself, i have art lessons, music lessons, bowling ball, bowling lessons and more. i have much more things compared to others. i play golf, used to have swimming lessons, mum have a $7,000 salary per month, club member and stuff. so what. i am not happy. my mum says that i should do better for those subject i fail and starts scolding me over them. but i didnt well for my literature and she doesnt say any thing about it. i didnt my literature homework last night and she came in and started scolding. i was studying and yet she scolded me and talked about me using msn and blogging. what the hell. i want to get baptised cause i fell the prompt and she says that i shouldnt. its my life, my commitement. what can she say? i go gome after school every single day and dont even go out to play. even if i do so, i come home ask for permision the go biking. afriad that my mum worries about me if i stay back in school, i even msg her to tell her what time i come home. i also call her every time i get home from school. what more does she want? totally dont use my computer1?!? im trying. she says she wants to confiscate my handphone and i said ok. i give her so little trouble. i just failed two subjects. my teacher didnt call her to say that i have the lowest in class blah blah blah like my brother teachers did. cant she just even thank me for that? i save her bus fare getting into zhonghua by art. cant she do something that pleases me? like shut her frigging mouth for just ONE day? having her not in Singapore is so good at times. yes, i should be thankful and i am. i treasure every thing i have and when i get something, i wont ask for more till i find there is a need to change. for my whole life, i have only spent money on wo watches. and my brother spent loads. my parents too. and i dont ask for more. i wore one from k1 till primary 4 and from primary 4 till sec 2. now still wearing. i made such a good sacrifise and she doesnt treasure. all she knows how to say is " the future is yours. always msn and blog. dont spend time studying. you are driving me to my grave.." blah blah blah. she thinks its that easy to get all A1s then get for me to see lah. im not the brainy one. my brother is. im the artistic one. and she stopped developing my talent when i was primary 3 till primary 6. i didnt complain. she should see my talent. i can draw her nice enough when i am just secondary 2. i got into zhonghua by art. i wn my first ever art competition when i was just THREE yeras old. i won more than 10 art competitions. what else she wants? i just want her to shut her mouth till i ask her to open and to give me simple things like a water bottle. i just want good paint and brushes for art. i just want freedom to have time to use my computer and shut up about music. i dont want to be forced to learn piano. is that so difficult? i cant get all A1s. i tried. but i couldnt. perhaps not hard enough. i am trying to get away from my computer by staying in school. but, it doesnt seems to help. oh well. i guess i gotta have great faith in God to bring me through. i hereby confess that i dedicate my life to God. i will do my affirmation this december may it be objective. God bless.

6:27 PM

died__